


I'm Yours and That's It (Forever)

by codesandhearts



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-30
Updated: 2013-01-30
Packaged: 2017-11-27 14:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/663193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/codesandhearts/pseuds/codesandhearts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Slowly but surely, he is regaining what he once lost. And he’s not just talking about his looks. He feels hopeful, again. </i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Yours and That's It (Forever)

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the Avett Brothers' song 'The Ballad of Love and Hate'.  
> For Stephanie, for being born nineteen years ago and here's to hoping she knows what a miracle that is. I love you, truly more than the word can encompass.

See there are times where Merlin wishes. He’s filled with adolescent wishes and dreams and looks down the well for answers and solutions to his angst. There are times where he rolls a coin in between his fingers and tosses it in the air. Times he passes by the lake and hopes until there’s only gray inside of him. Times he lingers on touches and kisses; takes longer to think and decide; drums his fingers on the windows of his house.

He wishes he had died, then.

It’s a selfish wish but he hasn’t been selfish in a very long time (then he realizes, he’s probably never been selfish and he wishes he got the chance).

He wishes Arthur didn’t die.

Now, that’s not a selfish wish. The world would probably be better if Arthur had lived. Things would’ve run their natural course and been better for it. Things would’ve just been better (and that’s not just because he’s in bloody love with the Once and Future King, it’s just the truth; there are some things that never lose their meaning or their significance because you’re in love with them, he decides).

He wishes he could love someone else, so the hole in his heart wouldn’t hurt so much and threaten to turn into a black hole, sucking everything he has left of himself so far into his soul he wouldn’t be able to reach it.

He doesn’t know about this wish. He doesn’t know if it’s selfish or hurting or beneficial or just anything at all. All he knows is that he wishes for this one the most. Because the other two weren’t supposed to happen, they were never supposed to happen but he could’ve had this chance. This small chance to look at someone and feel a light burst inside of him, lighting him up like a Christmas tree, all colourful orbs and reflecting shine. To hold someone’s hand and feel like it’s only thing he has and he’s okay with that. To just fall in love and know that’s it. This is it, I’ve found it, I’ve found someone to fill the blanks and stack me back up like Lego blocks.

But, instead, all he has is a body that doesn’t light up and a heart filled with Arthur.

 

It truly is sad when it takes a while for Merlin to notice what’s happening to him. For all the years he’s been growing old, it’s different when he’s growing younger. Day by day by day, the hair grows shorter; less grey; less shaggy. Week by week by week, his face loses wrinkles and age, grows tighter and firmer. Slowly but surely, he is regaining what he once lost.

And he’s not just talking about his looks. He feels hopeful, again.

 

Then, it starts.

A familiar smile and a head full of beautiful brown curls in the pre-law student across the street.

The distinctive dark hair flowing behind her as she flashes her beautiful eyes to the bus driver, getting off to her stop.

The ginger hair and warm disposition in the single father who works at the convenience store.

A friendly pat on the shoulder and show of nobility as he tackles a shoplifter at said convenience store.

They’ve woken up.

They’re coming back to him.

 

As Merlin makes friends with them again –tries to get over their past lives because they don’t seem to remember, not yet, anyway- he looks for signs of Arthur everywhere he goes. They ask him what he’s looking for, once in a while, when they notice. But he just shrugs it off as a funny feeling and goes back to discussing the finer points of modern life with them.

He wonders if they’ll remember when Arthur comes back to them.

There are parts he hopes they don’t remember. But there are some that he desperately wants them to remember. Things that happened when everything was better. The friendship and the loyalty and all of those good things because he’s living so many lives within his own and he wishes they had that weight, too. That’s selfish again, isn’t it?

Sorry.

 

There are nights where he is literally throbbing with want. His body shakes and trembles in bed when he thinks about Arthur. His teeth grit and his eyes go glassy. He feels like he’s cold all the damn time and he thinks about how it’s only going to be Arthur that warms him up.

It’s unfair, of course. Because just because it’s another life, it doesn’t mean that Arthur will fall in love with him this time around. There’s still Gwen. But Gwen’s different here, too –she swears like a sailor, for one- and her eyes don’t dart to every fit, blonde guy that walks into their coffee shop like he does, in fact her eyes always stay plastered on Lancelot.

And Morgana, there’s Morgana here. And they’re not brother and sister here, either. Morgana’s a firecracker here. And a mother. To Mordred. At least he thinks he’s Mordred –there are no mistaking those blue eyes, though.

There are so many options Arthur can consider before he even thinks about Merlin in that way.

But there are big parts and whole chunks of his soul and heart that wishes Arthur will choose him anyway.

 

Spoiler alert: he does.

He chooses Merlin. Above and beyond anyone, even after he’s met this Gwen and this Morgana, after introductions have been made in every possible circle, he chooses Merlin anyway.

He chooses him by tackling him to the ground when they first see each other at the coffee shop, staying on top of him until they get over their laughter and tears (some of which Arthur kisses off and Merlin really thinks he’s hyperventilating); by holding his hand everywhere they go and kissing his nose and neck and everywhere else he can put his lips too, as if Arthur has spent all of this time wanting this too (Merlin learns, afterwards, he has. Arthur never went to sleep in Avalon, he woke up there and stayed awake and waiting just like Merlin); by remembering everything before anyone else and loving him all the more for it, by not wanting the world to change them but change the world instead; by declaring to the whole world that he’s back and doing everything he can (saving people with his hands and words, letting everyone know that there’s a better way of running the world) to prove it; by kissing Merlin’s knuckles before every press conference and summit, loving every line and imperfection on Merlin’s body and soul.

He chooses Merlin. Always, all the time.

Proves it by saying, “This is it.”

And Merlin chooses him back by saying, “Forever.”


End file.
